April Fool – Part 1

Disclaimer– This is not a punch packed series or destined to come to any conclusion. Guys I like to bring past and future into my present (much like I do in fights and disagreements) so please be patient. I am not sure when and where this will end so please read only if you like uncertainty. I write as I think (in no order or coherence) and live. So here goes……….

Love was in the air and we had just finished an hour-long swim at Samrat Hotel, in Chanakya Puri.  4 years into marriage (with review at least twice a week on continuity) we were still good friends and in love (not measurable). We were committed to promoting each other’s interests. Our confession times about love and fidelity (Vijayant without whiskey) were very intense and honest. 

I never confessed and preferred being the Priest (who took the confession). Vijayant (my husband )would always fall easily into the ploy and would say arrey yaar (O come on) there is nobody in my life – Nobody else can take your place (being a wife- ‘note kiya jaye’ – “being a wife”). This was never enough for me and I would always investigate further (ladies I would encourage you to go further as men are creatures of few words).  

If I asked about any particular woman/lady he would respond with the most charming smile – Pagal hai kya (are you mad ? ) This charming smile and innocuous phrase could have different connotations. If you hear this from your spouse at any point of time (even if they are balding, with expanding girths, hit by cholesterol and diabetes ) u need a CID Pradhyuman (from the thriller CID series)  in your life . 

At that point Chabbraji’s ego was a bit hurt because his youth and charm were questioned by a young (attractive) neighbour ‘ Anu’ who actually called him Uncle in the prime of his youth . He was barely a31 and she was around 30 . Now this kind of comment can lead a man into deep depression and a financial crisis (by increasing spend on looks) . As counter attack, Chhabraji wore more vibrant colours, made sure the hair on his head was spread evenly all over his head and there were no gaping gaps . He enrolled at Personal Point , (my aging friends will recognise this as the first of the weight loss centres in Delhi) and went into veiled depression not sleeping happily for many days. 

He made different speculations about Anu’s age even raising it to 40s and then concluding that she was not attractive at all. At night when I would put on the melodious Pankaj Udhaas’s (chandi jaisa rang hai, sone jaise baal) and Jagjit Singh (Tum ko Dekha to yeh khayal aaya ) all chhabraji heard was a tuneless Uncle…Uncle …Uncle as if the tape had got stuck.

So in continuation with the spirit of fighting age we joined swimming. I knew swimming and became even better with a little bit of oversight and coaching in Samrat. The Coach was made redundant (coaching fee was a sunken cost) by Vijayant, as the latter with his exceptional observation skills learnt swimming just by watching the beautiful Spanish girl who swam like a fish, every day while we were in the pool. Vijayant and other Uncles (in the pool) went undeterred into the deep waters following their Pied Piper , the beautiful Spanish goddess. Needless to say , she led on the sinners into the deep completely oblivious of the fact. 

All the men learnt to swim (only breast stroke) but never graduated to free style or butterfly as the Goddess only did breaststroke. And they would all got out of the pool exhausted as she would do almost 20 laps in the morning putting the men’s (amateurs) frail hearts at dangerous exhaustion levels. I was happy because it would leave Chhabraji only with enough energy (for the day) to increase the number of retail franchisees of his company.

Coming back to the present, we drove outside Samrat and I spotted a nice young girl (as in the picture )  walking around the corner. I immediately took the steering and said to Vijayant, have a good look. He was not insured at that time and I cared for my life. Dekhega to Sahi (Watch, he will!) either directly or through the rear-view mirror. So I would give him the flexibility to admire beauty, while I diligently steered us at the wheel. 

One of my colleagues (now a dear friend) would always advise me on the perils of such reckless behaviour – encouraging husbands to look at other pretty woman. I would let that pass smilingly because I know nothing can stop this species from looking at girls whether they are 20 or 70 or in between so why not institutionalise it?

Vijayant dropped me to the Polish Embassy (my office) and drove to his office. Hey Jeena , today is 1 April said someone in the team,  as I walked in. For people like me 1 April is a very taxing day as it is one of the most productive, licensed day for pranks. And my colleagues (all victims) Sandeepa Sahay, Taruna Sharma, Padma Kumar and Anu Gupta can vouch for this . Till lunch time the lazy genius in me lay dormant. After a stomach full of food, a plan hit me and I decided to try it on my very own Chhabraji ( as Vijayant was known fondly in his office). I wasn’t sure of the outcome but for me it was always the planning and the journey which gave me molten pleasure. Now there is a background to this, which I have to unveil- Patience guys!

April Fool – Part 2

So with Vijayant (Chhabraji) zeroed in as the target for the April Fool, I quickly set to work. Put your seat belts on and hold on to your seats as you see a cunning devious mind at work. Why and what I planned needs some background.

Before we met, Vijayant had a calling and he had spent two years in the Chinmaya Mission (Vedic studies) in Mumbai. I had heard a lot of stories of the Ashram and I knew that Vijayant had great memories of the place. Narayan the cook who made lovely idlis (south Indian dish) and his teachers who taught him and the lovely friends that he had made. We used to often talk about it.

Now that this Maneka had caught Vishwamitra in her deadly trap he might as well pay for it. So after churning the Chinmaya mission memories in my devilish head, I set to work. I chose one of my colleagues Swapna (name changed as my aging colleague now as amnesia and has forgotten her crucial role in this drama ) in DFID for a character role . Swapna had a soft gentle voice but had a fancy for mischief in a veiled manner. She was reluctant after hearing the plan but gave in thinking this may be the only chance she may have as a voice artist in life. Swapna carefully rehearsed her lines before nodding her head.

I dialled Chhabraji’s office landline and the conversation was as follows :

Swapna asked in a soft honey tone – Can I speak to Vijayant Chhabraji

Vijayant- speaking, who is calling

Swapna – Hari Om (I knew Vijayant used to address all his Ashram Friends like this) This is Sadhavi (female for Sadhu) Shanti Prabha from Chinmaya Mission.

Vijayant in a hushed tone – Oh Hari Om!

Swapna – I am visiting Delhi today and staying in Aurobindo Ashram. Swami Loknath ji (Vijayant;s teacher) had mentioned that you were in Delhi.  I was wondering if we could meet.

Vijayant – Yes at what time please? and please can you repeat your name

Swapna – Sadhavi Shanti Prabha and at 6 pm in the residence quarters of Aurobindo Ashram (New Delhi)

Vijayant – Ok (probably with a thousand temple bells ringing together in his head) , I will be there

I could have made my colleague continue a little more, but I was scared that my firm beliefs in holy matrimony may fall like a pack of cards.

After creating this base I could not work after that. While Swapna trembled with what she had done, my excitement went to different extremes. He won’t come, that I was pretty sure or was I? Maybe he was playing up thinking that he will return my serve with an even more powerful thrash.  I had stupidly opened all my cards in front of him and told him about my pranks in school and college so he may guess and make an ass out of me in the end.

I am mischievous and spontaneous but not capable of holding plans for long (like my dad).  I have played pranks all my life and succeeded with all even sibling, dad and close friends but would always fail with my mom and would be pinched to death . Now Vijayant was a different creature and with Sun sign as Gemini completely unpredictable (unless he has had whiskey). 

He probably is not so creative but definitely a great planner and can easily outsmart me. Even while playing tricks with each other I would almost always spill the beans in a matter of minutes but Vijayant would let it bake slowly and then thrash it in.

Well they say that a thief always visits the place where he committed theft some time or the other. So I could not resist picking up the phone and asked my Vishwamitra – what are you doing, are u busy and Vijayant replied ‘yes yes’, I will talk to you later. And then as an afterthought he said I will be late today in the evening as I have to go somewhere. Ting Tong! The gong hit me on the face. 

Now I was nervous. Should I abort the exercise, or do I have the guts to carry it through. But from his side he had said something very normal which he did every other day. This was a normal routine for Vijayant as his company was expanding with franchisees always coming in for dinner in the late evening .  I almost gave up because I prefer to be behind scenes as I am unable to carry on pranks or contain my excitement where I have to come out in the open. This was going to be the second (one in college with an audience of 16 class mates, 12 people in a restaurant and the restaurant owner) time in my life where I was in front. And I was both excited and nervous.

Then the nervous wait began for the evening. Vijayant never called me again that day although I was tempted to find out whether he has fallen for it or is planning something against me . I started ruminating about all his virtues and vices . He was patient level headed, very popular at his work place and greatly respected. He was dedicated 200 percent to his work. Very tolerant  and secular and in fact he would come to the Christmas and Easter Mass at midnight every year and religiously attend the whole ceremony while I slept through the entire service . And shortcomings Chhabraji like all Punjabi’s loved Whiskey – Khushi mein (in happiness), Gam mein (in sadness) , office party mein (in), Ghar mein (at home) aur kahan kahan (and where all). He was a nice son, and husband? – but he was all ears to Swapna . Was he just being courteous?  God I went crazy trying to unpack his mind . It was only 2:30 and a looooooooooooooooooooong wait till 6 pm.

April Fool Part 3 (concluding part)

 The clock did strike 5 pm that day and as I walked out of office nervously, I thought of aborting the idea.  Chabbraji may not go and then I will be the super fool. However, the imp in me somehow wanted to be sure he didn’t go, and how could I be sure without going and seeing for myself. So I borrowed a stole to cover my head and took an autorickshaw to Aurobindo Ashram arriving safely 10 minutes before 6. I covered my head and face as much as I could and stepped into the the Ashram premises .

I carefully walked (with exaggerated steps as spouses can recognise each other’s gait) nearer to the bushes and plants so as not to be seen easily. Luckily the Ashram is full of trees and plants. I walked into the meditation centre and asked somebody inside where the hostel was? He silently pointed to the farthest corner of the Ashram. I walked out and as I was nearing the hostel, I felt a familiar figure walking in front of me. Oh God ! Vijayant was here ! Maybe it was the Ashram premises which kept me calm.

I was very nervous almost as if I was wrong to be there. I quickly ducked so as to carry on the drama. The problem was the patience which is a scarce commodity with me. Standing behind the wall of the hostel I saw Vijayant walking steadily out of the hostel in another direction. He entered another wing of the hostel and I walked silently behind. He was asking the receptionist about Sadhavi Shanti Prabha. With their disappointing reply he turned around and I could hold myself no longer. 

I jumped in front of him and smilingly enquired – Vijayant ? I am Shanti Prabha. He looked at me and we both laughed for a good 2 minutes both for different reasons. He quickly gathered his wit and said – Mujhe shak to hua tthha (I was suspicious). I waved that off and asked him to surrender and admit defeat.

As we sat in the car, I said let us have some pastry to celebrate this day. He agreed and we went to Chocolate wheel  in Jor Bagh. Chocolate?  he asked me as he got out. Of course, I said, nothing else ever! We bought the pastry and drove back home. I don’t know what was in his head, but I was thinking about all the activities of the day and trying to come to a logical answer. In the end I gave myself an award for super planning and execution and most of all for patience and secrecy.  I will enjoy the pastry to celebrate. We had dinner and then opened the pastry and there hidden within the box was Chhabraji’s master stroke according to him.

We had completely different tastes. I am a chocolate lover and he was a pineapple fan. To get back on me he had bought two pineapple pastries (knowing that I would never have it) instead of one chocolate and one pineapple to suit our different palate’s. Needless to say, I was mad and left high and dry imagining a chocolate pastry. 

He gloated over the victory forgetting his castle of joy was built on his own folly. I was left high and dry salivating for a chocolate pastry while he enjoyed his pineapple.  Remember what I said about returning my serve with a smash. He was carefully planning as we were driving back and needless to say it hit me hard. Over the years whenever we remember the event he would always say – don’t forget the pineapple pastry?

I have been given permission to write this only if I give suitable justice to the ‘Pastry act’ as Chhabraji thought that he had executed a fool proof April Fool act. I hope I have given it enough credit. Ofcourse Vijayant is welcome to take the pen and put down his version. 😊

But who can match that spotlessly planned and executed drama without a single flaw almost single handedly.