(A short story – I have written for a friend, based on a real life incident and a yearning, which she fondly carries till today)

The waves splashed on my face
the monsoon sea pulled me into its embrace

I rode over the waters and went deep inside
And there I found submerged, my unsung song

The monsoon is racking my heart today
And I want to sing it once again

Before I leave it buried for the last time
to cherish and sing in another Iife time

I got out of the Mumbai central station and saw Gayatri my sister looking prettier than ever waiting for me ,with her little baby in her arms. I walked up to her with my small baggage and gave her and the baby both a warm hug together . She handed over little Jia (as she was named )into my arms and I cuddled her close to my broken heart. I needed all the love, affection and warmth available in the universe , to get over and heal the broken relationship that had torn me apart in the last few months.

Gayatri my sister who has always been the closest to me had very timely invited me to Mumbai. When she realized the extent to which I had fallen apart , after a relationship broke off she said nothing , just sent me a ticket to Mumbai. If I had to cry it would be none other than her shoulder . Mumbai I had seen as a child and now the city was going to see me as a torn and broken adult .  

As we tucked ourselves in Di’s car she said in a small voice – we will pick up Andy ,  a friend of Jatin’s (my brother in law) on the way, as I have promised him lunch. Oh Di I don’t want company and I don’t feel like talking to any man. Cant stand them! Don’t worry Gayatri replied , it is just a lunch and I will do the talking and smiling , you handle Jia for me . And he won’t stay for long she reiterated. I neither had the will not the energy to protest. A heartbreak at 23 and that too coupled with a lot of mudslinging , deceit and treachery had left me with no interest in anything. Even seeing Gayatri who is both a friend and elder sister did not awaken joy in me.

This was to be a short visit and I was to return  healed from the breakup, but destiny held  another promise for me – a small yearning which started on the Juhu beach and lies buried there till today.

The Unsung Song – Chapter 2

My visit was in the late 1980s and Mumbai was as is now different to Delhi. I was suddenly lifted out of familiar settings and placed in a new world. For some time the explorer in me took over and I started liking the feeling of change. Marine Drive, Queen’s necklace , worli, Juhu Andheri,  everything was new and I wanted to get to know all  about everything. All these names held some kind of promise at that time and for the first time my heart opened up letting the world come in. I was in a safe space and Di will know when to be with me or leave me alone. 

I realised that when in despair and pain we are the ones who are most hard on ourselves and not the world.  We want to delve deep into the pain and don’t want to give up on the sorrow, guilt and misery. Marriage had made Gayatri wiser and she knew this change would do me good. Di wanted me to take a flight but I thought the longer train journey would give me more time to make myself presentable  enough to be in company.

Back home in Delhi I had shut myself in the same room for 3 months and my grandparents and parents, all suffered with me. Sometimes even when I felt better I did not want others to see it,  in case my family trivializes the incident and pain. Why did I do that ? Are we as humans more attached to pain than happiness and joy ?  Today twenty five years later  I wonder why we as youth don’t give ourselves a chance? Or is it just girls /women? Why are we so attached and passionate, holding on to our loyalties and dreams latching on to the feet of men even when they are walking and dragging their feet away.

There was some change in plan and we did not pick up Jatin’s friend Andy. Di’s flat was in Andheri East and I wondered what is the difference in East and West?  On the way , I saw the famed local train and thought how real to life the pictures and movies were. Di had a neat two bedroom flat and I made myself comfortable in the one meant for me. Jia was fast asleep and I put her on my side , kissed her and sank into deep sleep.

I woke up with a gentle nudge on my shoulder- Chetna , a soft voice called out to me . Jatin,  I exclaimed in joy and hugged my precious brother in law . He was such a gentle person that one could not but like him. Except for one thing – he would never miss a chance to argue . Do you know how long you have slept for ? Jia next to you woke up in between had her feed and now is again sleeping . And you were in deep slumber !

Come on and wash your face and change your dress if you want and I have some friends over for dinner . I opened my mouth to protest and he said – This is my house , remember that . Nobody will dare to hurt you , so don’t hide yourself. I wondered if Gayatri had told him all what I had told her.

Half an hour later I wore a plain blue dress , combed my hair and on an impulse put on some earrings. In the sitting room there were 3 strange men. Jatin got up , hugged me and said this is our older Jia . He introduced his friends as Shahid, Arjun and Andy. All looked in late 20s early 30s . Jatin then looked at me and said Shahid and Arjun are leaving as they are scared of their wives and Andy will stay for dinner . I nodded and said a short bye to the leaving friends and went to the kitchen. Just then Jia let out a loud scream and Di rushed out of the kitchen leaving me in the kitchen.

Jatin went out to leave his two friends and I started setting the table for dinner . Andy smiled and said welcome to Mumbai ? Is this your first visit ? I explained myself while I went about doing what I was supposed to . What do you do I asked ? Nothing he said , I have left a job and may pick up another or will study more or maybe travel? I haven’t made up my mind . Okay, I said and I started watching him from the corner of my eye.

He was a big man but had a gentle face and smile. He wore an iron Kadha (iron bangle) on his hand and I asked, are you a Sikh ? In those days we saw large number of Sikhs wearing Kadha’s . No sometimes I pretend to be one and smiled . His smile was most endearing but a small voice warned me – have you forgotten , you are in pain?

My discomfort turned to a pleasant surprise as Jatin started relating anecdotes of him and Andy in school, college and on their travels together . Gayatri asked Andy if he would like to stay over in the small study but Jatin said no- Chetna is our very special  guest today and it is her day. Andy did not seem to mind that he was dismissed . There was a deep friendship between Jatin and Andy and the latter was very comfortable and at home here . He washed dishes, looked after Jia and even helped Gayatri to make coffee after dinner .

At around midnight Andy got up and said I should be leaving now ? I wondered if he was married ? Did it matter ? I was hurt by a man and had no intention of going anywhere near that route ? His Denim shirt was open and his hair all tousled . I said bye to him, picked up Jia and went to my room. Can I come in and chat with you tomorrow during daytime – asked Andy behind my back? Well actually no , I would like to spend some time with Di and Jia . Gayatri quickly interrupted , yes you can and help me to look after Jia and do some errands for me and maybe help me in cooking . Since you don’t have a job,  I may think of giving you free lunch . And if you look after Jia well I will offer you a drink when I am back from work, added Jatin smilingly.

The monsoon sky was going to shower in with a lot of emotions the next day.

The Unsung Song – Chapter 3

I woke up feeling well and rested and I could sense that my mind was waiting to fall back into brood and despair . Di gave it a violent push to one corner of the earth by barging into my room and without any asking put Jia into my arms with her feeding bottle. The little booty bathed , dressed and smelling so fresh and lovely played in my arms while hungrily sucking at her bottle. Her gleeful look held an infectious promise of life and joy, bringing the balance back into my Universe .Holding her close to me I sang to her and saw Jatin peeping in with a smile . He playfully said- Gayatri said that you sing pretty badly but I think she meant you cant sing at all ? Before I could retort he made a scarce exit .

With Jatin gone , Di and me sat down on the cushions on the floor with our breakfast . I was scared Di would approach the dreaded topic of my gloom ,so I started thinking desperately for another topic. To my surprise she asked if I wanted to go for a bath first, as Jia was awake and both could not do simultaneously. I got up and she called out saying – On the left side of the cupboard , I have stacked all the dresses that I have outgrown and you can chose to wear any. Di and I were the same size before she gave birth to Jia and had the same style – except that she experimented less with colors.

I chose a pretty green Kaftan like flowing dress but with short cap sleeves , and asked if she had some matching earrings . Why are you dressing up- we will go out only in the evening when Jatin is back ? I was caught ! Oh just felt like that . Good! said Di and got up to give me a pair of emerald earrings and a soft silver chain with an emerald pendent .After living for 3 months in my nightdress I felt pretty and fresh and the color green made me alive . Nice ! said Di and went in for her bath. I picked up Jia and both of us got busy peeping out of the window to see vendors and house helps going about their business. Just then the door bell rang and I went to answer it with Jia in one hand .

For the first time in months I felt joy and excitement when I opened the door , letting Andy in. Like in Chinese medicine yin and yang cannot be explained in exclusion of the other so is the case with feminine and masculine. They define and help define the other. Andy brought out and defined the feminine in me .

Going anywhere he asked? No I said and prompt came another question- So you dressed up for me ? I chose to ignore the question as he put out his hand for Jia . I carefully handed Jia over to him and again went to sit next to the window . That moment I hoped he will come and sit next to me , but he did not and continued to play with Jia with funny sounds and gleeful looks. Strange man- here was a young lady who was presentable (in the least) and he does not even look this side ?

I scanned him and thought that he looked down to earth and easy to get along ? Did he have a past like me ? I made an easy slide into my past and started brooding till Di came in looking fresh and ready to handle Jia for the day. Hi Andy, I thought you will get scared of doing all the housework and not come , she chuckled .

The Unsung Song – Chapter 4

Andy said to Di , I have ordered some Vada Pav from Tukaram’s as I thought Chetna should try some of our Mumbai stuff. Oh great said Di then we can just relax and listen to you sing – No cooking! I looked at him and Di puzzled, that he could sing well enough for an audience. He looked at me and said – May I ? Di chided him and said -Andy stop being melodramatic , just start and I will go and put some tea in the kettle.

Andy would have been any woman’s dream. He sang the most romantic numbers with expressions and gestures that would sweep any woman off her feet. Somewhere in between the melodious songs of Rafi and Jagjit Singh , the Vada Pav came but I don’t recall anything except the wonderful aura that he created in the room. Both Di and I were in a trance as he sang Hindi film songs one after the other . In between he went near the window , opened it , lighted a cigarette and said” This is for you Chetna”. He broke into Dev Anand’s beautiful number – Mein Zindagi ka Saath Nibhata chala gaya , har fikr ko duan me udatha chala gaya.

That moment was the turning point for me . I went deep into the words of the song and realised that this life was mine and I could make the choice of being kind and compassionate to myself. I had punished myself enough, for a man who chose my friend over me and a friend who stole my man . I am going to be gentle with myself and said– Chetna this life is yours , live it the way you would want it to be and not what others make out of it . Was this destiny that I had to come to Bombay , meet a strange man in my sisters house ,who would drive sense into me by just singing a popular Hindi film song ?

I was reminded of what my grandfather said many times over – You have to let time to take its toll. Nothing comes to you before its time and many times in life you have to go through the pain and trauma which has been assigned to you. It is the pain and hurt itself , which will give you the strength to rise above it.

Somewhere my expressions may have softened and eyes brightened because Andy came and sat right next to me while singing – and Di was a little taken aback. She however did not say anything. He sat close to me and started singing – Baharon Phool barsao mera Mehboob aaya hai and it churned me inside out. His voice was so powerful yet gentle and melodious that he could make any song seem like his own creation. He would only sing one or two verses of each song .

I wanted him to hold my hand and continue singing but Di would be shocked and Andy would think, I am one who jumps from one relationship to another? When I look back at that particular moment I regret it deeply- Why can’t we do innocuous things without weighing its consequences ? What is so blasphemous about a man holding a woman’s hand and singing a song for her ? Does it need to be defined as a relationship ? Why do we have to pre-empt reactions and manage other’s emotions ? I should have just lived that moment so that I could have held on to it for the sheer joy and ecstasy for this lifetime. The simple mantra of life as I understand today is – live the moment and grab the moments of joy .

When the doorbell rang and Jatin walked in , it shook us out of the beautiful trance that Andy had woven. Andy got up to leave after dinner and looked at me and asked – Would you like to go to the beach tomorrow since you only have a week here ? I opened my mouth to say yes but before that Di said – no Andy we will take her . Jatin looked at me and asked – you want to or we could go over the weekend ? I said I will wait for the weekend even when I vehemently wanted to go.” Soch lo” Andy broke into hindi – I could sing all those numbers for you on the beach. I did not reply and went inside and wept . I wanted to go but there was something holding me back. What will Di and Jatin think ?

Jatin woke me up at around 7 am next morning and said – Chetna I have asked Andy to come and take you to the beach and some other places including the Prithvi café for some Irish coffee? Are you okay with that ? I don’t want you hanging in here brooding . Go out and live Bombay as it can lift anybody’s spirits ? Andy is a trusted and very close friend . He will take care of you but I have asked him to take my car and not his bike ? I said in a small voice that it is okay on the bike too , and he smiled – sweetie trust me a car is more safer and appropriate given the delicate framework of mind that you are in. I hugged him warmly like a brother I never had.

All what was feminine on the earth bloomed to its full glory while I prepared for my day with Andy.

The Unsung Song – Chapter 5

I got up with a smile , smothered Jia with kisses and unknowingly hummed away – “Mein Zindagi ka saath nibhata chala gaya” . Gayatri hugged me from behind ,as I was looking for the dress of the day in the cupboard . I am so happy to see you like this Chetna, your joy and song both are infectious. I am not sure I want you to go out with Andy but Jatin said he knows what he is doing. Do you like him , she questioned ? I quickly put up my guard and said Di- I want to see as much of Mumbai for the next three days . Then it will be interviews, jobs and boring Delhi.

I wore a knee length simple white dress which flared from waist down and had red and yellow pockets . My heart raced a bit when Andy rang the doorbell. He wore jeans and a dark green shirt and as usual looked quite big and I wondered if he would find a match – a tall woman ? Come back before dark Andy , Di said to our back. Andy waved in acknowledgment.

As we sat in the car and made ourselves comfortable he smiled and said you look pretty in white. I chose to ignore, but felt  prettier than ever . We can pick up my motorcycle but Jatin should not know or he will break my jaw. No I said loud and clear even when my heart said – just do it  stupid ! It was lovely to be with Andy. He joked , flirted , had words of wisdom,  was a complete foodie, and  very honest about his feelings . Let me just drive around till it is lunch and then I will take you to Prithvi café – Okay ? I nodded and the excitement began- both of the new place and the wonderful company of the man next to me . I forgot all and asked a lot of personal things.

His real name was Andy because he was born in the Andamans as his father was posted there. Andy had two sisters one married and the other soon to be . He was the eldest and had lost both his parents. He loved food, books and travel and admitted to having no goals in life . He asked me about my broken engagement and I told him the truth and said I wanted to talk no more .

We talked about life , friends, books and at one red light he asked me – do you mind if I sing while driving . This man read my mind . Go on as long as you drive well. Bombay was seeping into me and I loved the drive . Andy kept on singing songs of his choice and he seemed like a Rafi fan. He was expressive and made the songs come to life.

I loved Prithvi café which had  nothing fancy to it and yet it was an experience . We ordered Pav Bhaji and the famed Irish Coffee. I did not like the latter at all. Andy pointed out to some artists walking around and I looked at them in awe . Hey I said I want to live in Bombay- it has a distinct culture . Ok marry me !I looked at him and said – are you serious , you know Jatin won’t like this conversation? Forget Jatin, I will anyway never have this conversation with him. He is good as a friend not a wife and he chuckled ? We did not talk more about it . From Prithvi we drove to the crowded Juhu beach.

I could smell the sea, loved the crowd and the fact that I was at Juhu beach. He asked if I wanted to walk in the waters to a quieter place . I agreed and we picked up our foot wear in one hand and walked right into the waters to the middle of nowhere. My young heart wanted Andy to reach out and hold my hand as we walked with the waves splashing on our feet, but he did not . I contemplated whether I had the courage to take that first step ? . He did it again, looked at me and said Chetna there is nothing more I want to do at the moment , than hold your hand , sing and walk with you into the sea. I can do that if you agree but I can’t do that without your permission as Gayatri and Jatin both will be enraged . Oh please do, my heart cried out softly while I said out loud – Please don’t.

He asked are you happy and I said – very .Then just be yourself , I can sense that you want me to hold your hand and sing – Ek Pyar Ka Nagma hai, he winked mischievously.  His melodious voice tore through the soft waves making my heart race and the evening , so memorable that my heart yearns to sing the song with him even today. What would it be to be his woman ? I wondered as we drove back with the evening sky deepening in mystery and romance . One pain replaces another ? Was I going to hurt myself once more ?

Andy came up to the house and handed over some fruits to Gayatri , which we had picked up on the way. You look radiant Chetna she exclaimed in silence and Andy retorted – She wants to stay back in Bombay, she loves it . Jatin offered Andy a drink but the latter refused saying he was tired . He called to me as I was picking up Jia – you want to go to Marine drive tomorrow ? I said yes please and went off to my room.

At dinner Jatin asked if I had enjoyed my day and I pensively said it was lovely. And Andy he asked – don’t take him seriously? Many woman have fallen for him but he won’t settle down neither in his head nor in his work. A call from Delhi interrupted the uncomfortable conversation. It was lovely to talk to my grandparents and parents. “Ladki khush hai” Dadi said as she handed over the phone to my mother and I told her all about Bombay. My mother suggested I should stay on for some more time and it was not a big thing to miss interviews as more would come our way. Just two days to go , I thought and made me sadder than ever .

The Unsung Song – At Marine Drive

Concluding Chapter – 6

The next day Andy and I started late after taking Gayatri and Jia to the pediatrician , for the baby’s routine vaccination shot. We left them back at the flat and drove away. I was pensive as I was scared of my own feelings . Andy started talking about himself and I was surprised at his honesty and the trust he had in me.

Andy had started working immediately after his college and was in his late 20s. He had just left his job and and was now taking a break. A wanderer by nature he felt that he had enough money to last him a couple of months and then he will pick a job. He wanted to travel and was a biker. He laughed and said your brother in law knows I hate cars and he is playing safe by sending you with me in a car. I smiled back and said -do you have a reputation which  one should be scared off ?

Chetna I am a normal man, get attracted to girls and have had relationships  , but never without consent . I will be honest he continued- I am attracted to you and would like to know you better but ,when you can put your past behind you. I am not ready for a long term relationship so I will not tread that path. Since the day I met you,  your serenity draws me to you and I have been thinking , if I would like to have a life with you? I haven’t heard a yes yet , but neither a no, so I am confused . He ended by saying – there I have said it all. Now that you have heard me , just forget it and enjoy the day. It is Friday today and Monday you will fly back. I sighed and nodded.

I loved the rocky beach at Versova and we spent memorable moments watching the sea  together. Here and there we grabbed a bite as I wanted to have as much of sea as possible . Both of us knew the  next day would be family day and Jatin would be at home. Today was the only day we had together  .  We briefly stopped at Bandra bandstand and then he took me to Carter road to see the sunset . I had called up Gayatri in between to tell her we will be late and she told me,  mom had called to  inform that my job interview was on Monday morning so I need to fly back on Sunday if I wanted to ?

I was both sad and confused ? Should I just stay on and take life as it is  – unplanned or go back to my life in Delhi ? I asked Andy and he said -the decision is yours ? He Jokingly added – If you let me hold your hand and sing , I will help you to take the decision. I looked away. Andy was surely keeping up Jatin’s  trust but I think at moments he slipped into his own self.

Finally we came to Marine Drive and we sat on the rocks facing the sea . Sadness enveloped me as the day was ending and I would leave in a day’s time. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I said let us go. Andy looked at me and said hey – wait a minute , what happened ?  I was longing to rest over his  strong big  shoulders and cry. Chetna he said softly , turn around and look behind – what do you see ? I said buildings and he quickly continued –  so that is as far as you can go , when you look back? At best you can walk up to the building and then it is a dead end .  Now look in front into the vast expanse of the sea . How far can you see ? Isn’t it endless ? It is the same with life . You look behind and you see immovable structures while in front there is vast expanse fluidity and possibilities . Stop looking back and look ahead at the endless possibilities .

This man made a lot of sense and had a wealth of wisdom at his age .  What he did not know , was that I was not thinking about Anurag and my past but rather about the thought of going back home and leaving him- Andy ? I did not have the courage to tell him this . Was I ashamed of telling him that I had got over Anurag in a matter of 3 days after meeting him ? Why couldn’t I just accept the truth ? Maybe I should have just said it is not the past I am crying about and left it at that? We sat for more than an hour and I hold that day close to my heart .

As we got up Andy said – Chetna stay on , I want to get to know you? Give me a few days please ? We sat down again and he said , I am uncomfortable with the thought of you going away but I don’t know what to offer you if you stay? Andy we must go home , I said with a heavy heart. We reached home by 10pm and Jatin was furious with Andy. I told you I wanted  her back before the sun sets , he said in a firm voice . Andy picked up the keys of his motor bike and walked away in silence and I slept without food but the tears eat away my heart.

Saturday morning I woke up moody and pensive . I picked up Jia and announced that I would prefer to spend the day at home. Jatin and I spent a lot of time together and he insisted that I should stay back . I told him I need to work to get back to normalcy. I then hugged him and cried but did not tell him that Anurag was nowhere in the picture but his friend Andy loomed large on my mind. I waited the whole day for Andy but he did not come and there was no mention of him at home . I was to take the morning flight at 10 am next day . Sharp at 9:30pm  the phone rang and Jatin beckoned me saying it is Andy. Stay on Chetna , coaxed Andy –  I feel we can have a life together. I will take you around Bombay and we can get to know each other . He was begging me but I simply said – I need to go Andy . Can I come to say bye he asked ? I said no and put the receiver down.

Today after almost 25 years when I am standing at the Marine drive , I am calling out to those memorable moments . What would have happened if I had lived those moments ? I belonged to no one but myself ? I owed no one anything and what if I had let Andy hold my hand at the least ? At least I would not be pining for him even after 25 years. Relationships don’t happen in a moment , they need to be nurtured with words, actions , gestures, intimacy and honest admission of feelings. 

I don’t regret that Andy and I are not together today,  but I wish I had lived those moments and sang the song we both loved together – Ek Pyar ka Nagma hai …….. I often wonder if it would have been more fulfilling if  those moments could have been indulged in and completed rather than leaving it as a yearning. I know he is somewhere around but he will never know that I was at the brink of a heartache when I left him. Life came back to normalcy a few months later. Di or Jatin never mentioned Andy and I never asked .