(Kabini , named after the famous river (tributary of Cauvery in Southern India ) in Waynad district of Kerala, is the story of a South Indian girl born to a diplomat Rajashekharn and his wife Jayanti . Born in India , her early years were spent in Fiji and Maldives . Kabini’s growing up years witnessed incest in her own family which left an indelible mark on her youth and family life. Deprived of an identity of her own she abhors being a daughter, sister or wife. At the verge of being left alone in life she suddenly finds herself at a crossroad where she can continue being herself allowing life to take its toll or make new beginnings.)

Kabini sat  in the lobby of the ICU of Max hospital in New Delhi,  waiting for the Cardiologist to come for his regular rounds to check on her husband Arjun Malhotra. Five days had passed since he had a heart attack and his condition kept fluctuating. She pushed back her salt and pepper hair from her face , adjusted her glasses and wondered how she would feel if she will have to go home alone from this hospital.  It evoked no reaction and she wondered if she was incapable of feeling pain or pleasure . Arjun and she were married for over 25 years and there was nothing memorable except pain, rejection and torment. Although they maintained a cordial relationship for the world to witness there was no depth or a shared purpose to life  – No love, no friendship, no children, no hatred or interest.

She rummaged through her overnight bag and pulled out the brown covered book. She carefully covered each of the Mills & Boon lest people wonder why anyone at her age would be reading the teenage and youth romance series Deprived of a normal childhood and youth, exposed to incest and copius amount of sex at a vulnerable age  ,  Kabini at 53 was still looking for romance. Her friends had insisted in college that there is love and romance out there in the world waiting to be discovered,  but somehow she was still looking for it .

Kabini woke up to reality when the intercom announced her name. She stood up shaking off her musings and walked to the ICU. I am afraid Arjun goes on the ventilator today, said Dr Jaitley the cardiologist , but with your permission. He seems to be sinking again today and we could try the ventilator , not that it is of much hope. For a moment Kabini’s eyes clouded thinking she was going to lose the only identity she had – Mrs Malhotra.

She had been living off a borrowed identity for years- first her fathers as Kabini Rajshekharan and  then her husband’s as Kabini Malhotra. Both did nothing for her except keeping her cushioned in luxury. She brushed her thoughts aside and said – No doctor I don’t think Arjun would like to be on the ventilator. Dr Jaitley insisted that they could try it for a day but she refused saying she and Arjun both did not believe in prolonging death . Then M’am we will keep him for another two days and then you can take him home . But in the interim be prepared for the worst.

Kabini zipped her overnight bag, went to the counter and informed the ICU reception that she was going home and will be back within 2 hours. Home ! she said to Riyaz as she sat in the comfort of her car. She then took out her phone and texted to her sister Kaveri in Kenya – No hope!

As Riyaz shifted the gear to get the vehicle into motion, a tap on the window drew Kabini’s attention. She opened the window and a middle aged man greeted her with a paper in hand. M’am I am sorry I did not see you get up. I am professor Murthy and I have been sitting in the ICU for over a week now. To keep myself engaged,  I make sketches of the people around me and today I made one of yours – sorry without your permission. I have come to hand it over to you. Amused Kabini took over the paper and smiled . This is awesome Professor – Thank you! She smiled as she recognized herself .

Professor Murthy turned back to go and then again turned – M’am , please give me the paper once again and can you tell me your name – Kabini ! she said and he looked perplexed . She smiled and explained where the name came from. To her utter surprises within seconds the professor wrote her name in a flowing style mimicking flowing waters of a river. Some talent you have , she said and accepted the sketch graciously and continued her onward journey.

Chapter 2

The next day Kabini arrived early at Max hospital with some food and tea to keep her going through the day. She took out the newspaper to read and across the room she saw Prof Murthy looking diagonally at an elderly lady in the chair and sketching away. He was very ordinary looking but completely absorbed in what he was doing .

A message on her phone drew her attention. Her sister Kavi (short for Kaveri)  had written- Kabin, today is our Mom’s birthday. Her heart missed a beat . How could she miss mom’s birthday , the only person whose memory evoked joy in her heart. Jayanthi had passed away when kabini was 8 and Kaveri 12 . That was the beginning of doom in their family.

Her mind flew back to her days in Fiji and how she, Kavi and their mom used to spend hours on the beach. Kavi and she were perpetually building castles on the beach and Jayanthi would help them to decorate it with sea shells, bones and leaves.

Rajashekharan their father was the Indian Ambassador to Fiji and he was always busy. Jayanthi went with the driver to leave the children  to school ,then brought them back and then took them for French classes. Every Friday she would take them to the Devi temple , which was on a beach. Life was so smooth. She read stories for them and they used to lie down hugging her with their legs wrapped around her . Kabini missed that warmth and nurturing which one could only get from a parent.

She cried in her heart remembering how mom used to make her favourite  sweet potato , day in and day out for her . Kavi used to keep complaining that Kabin was mom’s favourite . When they had formal parties and dinner , Rajashekharan would expect Jayanthi to be the perfect hostess and those nights there were no stories, no hugging Mom. Kavi had inherited mom’s tall graceful looks and beautiful eyes while she , Kabini only had her beautiful rose pink colour .

And then one day suddenly it all ended . Jayanthi developed a sudden fever and passed away in two days . She was admitted to the best hospital in Suva, Fiji’s capital city , but she did not survive . Kabini remembered the day when Rajasekharan spend the whole day at home sitting in solitude . He would not talk to the girls or anyone. There was no food cooked in the house. Her dear mother’s last rites were performed in Fiji as Rajashekharan thought the girls would miss school if,  they went  back to their home town in Southern India. A nanny called Valsa was brought for them from Kerala and that created more complexities in their life.

Suddenly she heard her name on the intercom and shuddered involuntarily and pulled herself out of her musings . She went to the ICU and the doctor said – we are doing some tests today although his condition is not improving. She nodded and walked back to the lounge. All okay? Asked a voice and she saw Prof Murthy standing next to her seat. Well no , there is no change in his condition . I assume it is your husband who is admitted , asked Prof Murthy ? Yes ! it is my husband Arjun Malhotra and he had a heart attack. And you, is your wife in ICU ? Kabini asked.

Chapter 3

Oh No! I am not married. My mother is terminally ill and I am keeping her company. Do you mind if I sit next to you Mrs Malhotra ? Please call me Kabini she insisted. Then I have equal rights to be addressed as Murthy , he smiled. Of course she said . He carried on sketching and Kabini marvelled at his skill. Simple lines and shapes in black and white was reproducing a perfect image of the lady sitting on the wheelchair across the room. Are you a professor of Art , she asked ? I am an Architect  Kabini and I teach in the Delhi School of planning an Architecture,  but honestly I prefer making sketches and caricatures of human beings and animals.

A week passed with the same routine and Kabini and Murthy sat together in the lounge waiting aimlessly, chatting away . Suddenly Kabini did not feel alone . She used to get food from home and they both eat together at the canteen. Kabini got to know that Murthy was the only child of his parents and his father passed away some years back and now his mother was terminally ill. On asked about marriage he said somehow things did not work out and I didn’t mind as I was busy at work and looking after parents.

Any children Kabini ? Err no actually yes , but died soon after birth. He looked at her and his eyes softened but did not say anything . I don’t see any of your family here just like I have none? I only have a sister who is in Kenya with her family. And no living relatives of Arjun either.

She had barely said that when she heard her name on the intercom. She was ushered into the ICU and a sudden fear gripped her , she knew what was coming. Dr Jaitley looked at her and said – sorry he had a cardiac arrest and we could not save him. Numb and speechless Kabini went over to look over Arjun, who had  a number of tubes on him. She stared at him for a couple of minutes then reached out to caress his face , said goodbye and walked out into the lobby- now more alone than ever.

She came and quietly sat on the chair next to Murthy and he looked up and asked what happened – you are pale ? Arjun passed away during dialysis! Murthy threw his sketch down and without warning took her hand in his and said Kabini , I am sorry to hear this. He then got up and quickly got her a coffee. Stay here , I will handle everything. What is his full name , he asked and walked to the ICU.

Kabini texted her sister and switched off her phone. Both she and Arjun had kept to themselves and there were hardly any friends to inform. There were some in Singapore where they had spent a couple of years and her school friend in Fiji. She would inform them later. Neighbours she thought, could be informed when she reached home. She wondered if it was fortitude or indifference which kept her unmoved ? Her husband was dead and she had no tears to shed ? Murthy came back and sat next to her quietly for a few minutes.

Kabini sat motionless glued to her chair and then suddenly she heard Murthy saying-  Kabini the discharge papers are ready. What should we be doing ? It is okay I will handle, she said. I have my driver and I will take him to the electric crematorium. That was what he wanted . Kabini I will come with you, my cousin is coming to sit here and it will be okay. She did not resist as she suddenly wanted to be with herself and her thoughts, doing nothing.

Later in the evening at home , Kabini had a bath and lay in bed. Murthy was a Godsend today as he guided her through all the funeral processes and she did not have to put in any effort. She had not broken down even once and wondered if Murthy would have noticed it .  She had even brought Arjun’s ashes home and it stood on her small altar. Tired she slept off with the lights on.

Chapter 4

Two weeks passed and slowly life started getting back to normalcy. Kaveri had invited her to Kenya and Kabini was seriously debating taking a break. She was very fond of her two nieces Ahiliya and Anasuya and it will be good to spend some time with them. She texted her sister that she will come for a month and will let her know the dates soon.

She kept her phone down and noticed a message – it was from Murthy and read – Kabini, I hope you are doing well. My mother passed away two days after Arjun. Yesterday I finished with all her rites and thought will text you to find how you are? As I am writing this, I realise we both may be doing the same thing  now – mourning a loss and learning to live alone. When you feel upto it , let me know if you would like to meet?

Kabini thought for a moment and then texted back- sorry to hear about your loss. I wish you had told me about it and given me a chance to make up for the kindness and empathy you showed when Arjun passed away.  If you feel upto it please come home for lunch tomorrow . She then wondered at herself ? All her life she had been a very private person, did not like to socialise or meet people and certainly not men. She and her books , was all she knew.Was she waiting for Arjun to be gone ? Was she feeling liberated with Arjun’s passing away ?

The next day Murthy came for lunch carrying a yellow packet in his hand. I am sorry Kabini I wasn’t sure if you were mourning and I should have asked . She smiled and said my entire life has been a mourning episode Murthy, maybe it is time to celebrate now. Murthy was taken aback and he looked at her enquiringly and said that is a loaded statement Kabini and I hope you can unpack it someday , if we become friends .

She opened her gift and was amazed at what she saw. There were a set of 12 sketches and he had created a story out of all what she had said about her childhood. There was even one of a lady grilling sweet potatoes as two girls sat watching . He had obviously listened very carefully to her . All were brilliant sketches and each of them had her , Kavi and their lovely mother. He had dressed her in a saree and there was even one of all three in a temple worshipping a Goddess. This is priceless Murthy she said and hugged him, as it seemed the most natural thing to do. I have very few pictures of my mother and they are black and white and all spoilt . She looked again and again at them and cried . C’mon Kabini , I wanted you to feel happy not cry .

Murthy was a very good storyteller as he told her about his early career days when he had built a couple of small temples in Indonesia, Lakshadweep and in the Tripura in the North east . When he was leaving he said next time you come to my house in Green Park and I will make lunch for you. She agreed eagerly.

A week later Kabini landed at Murthy’s place and was pleasantly surprised . The walls of the entire house had no paintings but rather sketches and drawings which were enhanced with subtle frames  and there was beautiful blue and white pottery all over the place. In case you are wondering, said Murthy my mother taught pottery and the stuff not on the walls is her creation. The walls are my mischief .

After a long time  in years Kabini suddenly felt happy. This house was very colourful and she wanted to explore it . Murthy showed her his Mom’s potter’s wheel and she wanted to try it out. She had never in her life thought that she will be interested in doing anything related to art. She wondered if her mother encouraged her to engage in any art forms and could not remember much and after her there was no one. Arjun was an engineer and he was a machine man . He had no other interest in life. They never watched movies, plays or went out. Suddenly she wanted to live. She wanted to do new things.

Chapter 5

Murthy I don’t know what you think of me but you are certainly helping me in discovering myself. I am very happy and I want to embrace life and live . Murthy smiled and said Kabini your name comes from a river in Wayand and rivers flow ceaselessly .Why do you feel you have not lived your life ?

Wait! I will make us some south Indian coffee or do you want to have the south Indian lunch that I have prepared ? They settled for coffee and then Murthy coaxed her – tell me Kabini what happened after your mother passed away. You always stop there and never move further.

Kabini took a sip and then said , I don’t know if being a man you will understand what I am going to say but nevertheless I connect with you at some level, maybe it is the kindness that you have shown. I want to be fully liberated and maybe by talking to you , I can clean myself inside out.

My father became a kind of recluse after my mother died. For a few months, the driver would take us to school as usual and local helps in Fiji cooked and kept the house . We girls slept together and …. She choked  . Murthy came close and put his hand over her shoulder in support . Go on Kabini! Kabini cleared her throat and said , I was only 8 at that time , but old enough to know that whatever was going on was not right or better still, I could not relate to it.

One night we had just switched off the lights when the bedroom door opened . My father came in and took Kavi’s hand and led her away. Then it started happening every night and I used to keep asking Kavi where took her or what did he say?  She would never respond. Every night , Father would come in and would take away Kavi. Kavi started becoming quieter each day and then she started losing patience . She would hit me,  if I did not listen to her and would never say sorry. The same routine happened day after day and one day I decided to follow my father when he came to fetch my sister.

That night when Father came, I pretended to asleep as usual and then when they left I tiptoed to follow them. He took her to the bedroom and did not even close the door . There used to be no staff staying in our house at that time.  I can never forget that sight – to my horror my fathers back was towards me and he stood naked with Kavi sprawled on the bed helpless and motionless. I could not understand what was going on but whatever it was disgusted me as my sisters face flinched with pain now and then. Kavi saw me that day but did not react.

I never asked her after that where Father used to take her. But lived in fear of the day when I would be subject to the same fate. After 6 months we got Valsa as our Nanny and house help. My dad would still come to fetch Kavi at night and one day Kavi and I saw him performing the same act with Valsa in the afternoon on a weekday. That day I was sure, I was the next target and started imagining it at night. Sleep evaded me and I too became a recluse.

Kabini please stop if this is painful and we can either forget or talk about it another day. No Murthy you are the first person who is hearing , how I felt . I did tell Arjun but not in so much depth. He just asked me again and again – did he do this with you? That was all what he was interested in. Oh Kabini we men are such egoists. Sorry about that. And then this continued , said Kabini . We were in Delhi that time. To  cut the long story short it carried on till my sister was 24 when she fell in love with her classmate who was studying dentistry with her. As we grew up I wondered why my sister did not oppose as she was grown up and could resist . But I don’t think she ever did. I kept away from my father except when absolutely necessary. One day Kavi came home and told my dad  that she wanted to get married. My dad was furious and refused .

From that day there were huge fights between my dad and Kavi. Somehow I sense that she did not give in to him after that . Within two months of finishing her course she left home and got married to George her classmate. My dad was furious and would keep bad mouthing her . Valsa was still with us and I was petrified of being my dad’s next target . I was sure I did not want to marry as I detested men. But I was even more scared of living with my father after Kavi left . I resented her for years  that she had left me alone with Father knowing him.

After I finished my graduation in English my father started looking for a match for me. He said he did not want to see me running away. I kept making excuses and did not say yes to anyone. I was the plain Jane of the family with short hair and huge glasses framing my face . I guess there was nothing interesting about me except my fathers status and his money. When I was 24 , Dad brought Arjun home one day to meet me . He is an engineer and he will be good for you. I told him about you and he agreed to come and meet you. To me every man looked as menacing as my father and I did not agree .

That night my father said – Kabini you are getting older and with your shy and introvert nature it is difficult to find a match for you. I cant be doing this all my life . Arjun is a good match for you and by the way he was married earlier . His wife died in an accidental fire at home . I stood horrified with my mouth open.

I resisted and said in a small voice – I can start working. My friends are doing housekeeping jobs in hotels and I can easily pick up that . Stop it Kabini! You are getting married to Arjun. I would think that is more worthwhile than changing bed sheets for strangers in hotels.

Chapter 6

Kabini, Murthy came and sat next to her and held her hand. Shall we stop for the moment and have lunch?  She excused herself , went to the washroom , washed her face and came out . Murthy was laying the table and she helped him out. So we Tamilians have 3 course meals, but today I have reduced it to 2 . She looked at the spread and asked , you did all this ? Of course!  Ma, was insistent on learning everything and she said I should make some women happy not burden her. Wow thought Kabini, where do you find Professors of Architecture, listening so well , drawing perfect sketches of human beings and then cooking a complete meal?  And where do you find mothers who teach their sons to cook and pamper their wives ? She enjoyed the Lemon rice with Tirunelveli Sambhar and finished off with a helping of curd rice. He then brought out a jar which had home made Mysore Pak. Sadly he said my mom’s last sweet dish. I never learnt how to make this.

Do you miss and mourn her , kabini asked? No he said , I have a life full of lovely memories. She lived her life well and I looked after both of them to my heart’s fill . So I am content and we are all mortals. She passed away at 83 which is a ripe age. Yes she wanted to see me with a family and a house full of grandchildren and that did not happen. But her son adored her and so did her husband. She made a name for herself as a potter and even taught so had an identity for herself.

Do you know Kabini, you had reached your threshold and everything came out so easily. Think about it , you hardly know me and you brought out years of suppression. Yes she agreed , I too don’t know how and why it happened with you? And it happened here , he continued . My mother always believed in art as a therapy and when you came into our house you were like a child  in awe of all the sketches , the colours and the pottery. I think you should explore and see what kind of art interests you. Pottery definitely she said , I want to give it a try. Ok I shall fix up with mom’s best student. You can go to her and see if you like and for the moment you can borrow my mothers wheel. Oh no it has special significance for you. Please I cant. No you must , it will have her energies and she will bless anybody who uses it . Later we can think about whether I need it back or not . Immense amount of joy washed through her . She was going to create beautiful pieces of pottery with her own hands and then colour them. She couldn’t wait to learn. Murthy thank you, I am so blessed to have found you.

Lady I need a favour and I have a task for you before we say bye for the day. Kabini removed her glasses and cleaned it with a tissue. Too many emotions were evoked today. Murthy smiled and said , I need a pair of new frames for my glasses. I don’t know how to choose . My mother always choose for me , so you can help me to decide on one today? And second , if you can wait for 15 minutes , I will tell you. She looked puzzled and said ok? I can look around the house . Yes I am going to go into the study and will be out in 15 minutes . Fine she said and went into the small open space within the house were the potters wheel was kept . She touched all the tools and the wheel and felt happy. Then she went to the sitting room where exquisite pieces of pottery of all sizes were kept around and some hung on the wall.

In 15 minutes Murthy came out and handed over a set of papers . Kabini I want you to start working on yourself . This is how my mother taught me . Unpleasant memories and incidents keep pulling us down so we  need to eradicate them from our lives. She looked down at the sheaf of papers and to her horror they were sketches of a man standing naked over a young girl and cringed . There are 30 sheets , sorry I used carbon to make so many. Today I want to watch you burning one and each day do another one . I think you wont need all of them. She asked , do you actually want me to take all of them? Yes come into where my mother’s workspace and there I want to watch you burn the first one. Together they went and Murthy handed her a match box and took the rest of the sheets and put it into an envelope . Go ahead , do it Kabini. She put match to the paper and watched it being engulfed in the fire. Soon it became ashes and she heard Murthy say C’mon lady the shops will close and I need a new pair of frames .

At night Kabini lay in bed thinking about the day. She felt good and excited about life ahead . Tomorrow or whenever she met Murthy next she will ask him the question she could never ask anyone not even Kavi her sister . Maybe he will help her to understand . Lights off she slept content.

Chapter 7

Kabini wanted to join pottery classes immediately but Murthy advised that they had some more work to do before starting on a clean slate,  never to look back. He helped her to get some property papers and bank accounts transferred to her name from Arjun’s.  Then one day he had to travel to Chandigarh as a special lecturer for two days . Kabini we need to do some more talking, would you like to come with me . I will be staying in a guest house and they will happily welcome my guest . Murthy , I am not sure I want to talk, she protested . oh yes we do, that I am sure about . This is a nice long journey and if you don’t have any inhibitions come with me.

They started in the early hours of the day and after stopping for breakfast he asked – Tell me about your marriage , he invited? Well it was a second marriage for Arjun,  so he wanted a quiet affair and Father gave in . Nobody felt the need to ask me . My sister had never looked back after going away. She wished me and invited us to visit her after marriage . We got married in the Ayappa temple in Rk Puram in Delhi. My dad suggested that I should wear one of my mothers numerous sarees as many of them were as good as new. Arjun’s elder brother and wife were there and my dad and Valsa- as the witnesses to our marriage .

I said goodbye to my father and Valsa not knowing whether to be pleased about escaping my father or fearful about marriage to a person, I did not know. And then another phase of my life began. I was not prepared to become a wife . She looked at Murthy and said I am not comfortable talking about what happened . That is okay said Murthy – if it was pleasant forget it but if it was unpleasant it is better to talk . Kabini I wont judge you or him but please talk when you are comfortable.

I was expecting that we will get to know each other, before , before … but that night Arjun tried forcing himself on me and I screamed protested and fled the bedroom. Physical proximity of a man scared me and I resisted. I told him about my childhood and he was taken aback and as I mentioned earlier kept asking if I was a victim of my father. No I said but that put me off men and I was scared. He thought it was childish and abused my father for not telling him how I felt. I told him that he doesn’t know. Whatever it is , my life is screwed he said !

Thereafter many times he tried and honestly I tried too Murthy, just to make things work but I could not carry it on. Till today I cannot imagine myself being close to a man. Murthy took her hand in his and said it is okay Kabini, we don’t have to talk about it . No I am now comfortable with you. Murthy beckoned to the driver to stop for some tea. They got out and leaned against the car to stretch their legs and have some tea.

Chapter 8

Kabini suddenly remembered that she had to ask Murthy her question- Murthy my father abused my sister for years and yet she fell in love and moved on and has a happy family. I have met the whole family twice and they seem happy. She has two daughters too.  I was witness to all what my sister went through  but never got abused yet I am stuck and I can’t move on . Hmm he said I wondered too Kabini . We are all different human beings and we respond to situations in different ways. Maybe she did not allow this to get into her mental self and shrugged it off, from her physical self and decided to move on. None of us have many choices in life and sometimes have to decide this way or that . In contrast to her you probably are very sensitive and also remember you were much younger too.

Kabini if you could never manage a physical relationship how did you conceive and deliver a child? They sat in the car and Kabini looked at Murthy. If ever I was violated physically and mentally it was to have a child . One of the most humiliating painful experience which probably cannot be erased . Arjun’s brother insisted after a year that we should have a child. I did not want to , simply because of the process one has to go through and second Arjun’s indifference to me. He had given up on me and I remained shriveled to the inside of the house .

When we had arguments he would blame my father and me and that we had ruined his life. I would make meals and keep the house . We never did things together, not even watch or go out for shopping, movies etc. When in Singapore we had some friends coming on and we would pretend to be close and then when they left we would shed off our masks.

One after the other Arjun had many relationships with women and I could not stop it but honestly I was relieved. It saved me from any kind of intimacy and that is what I wanted . I did not want to be a victim to any man. Kabini, Murthy interjected , those are very harsh words. Sex is intended to be a mutually satisfying experience and nobody should be victimised. Please refrain from judging yourself . We want to break this self-blaming  pattern.

Then when Bhaiya insisted Arjun said to me – let us try for a child . It will be good for you and keep you busy. That night I lay in bed passive and cringed at the violation of my privacy. Arjun lost his temper and said – Kabini this wont work if you are so passive . I myself detest  doing this with you,  but there is no other way. I cried at the physical violation, the mental torture of being invaded of my privacy and then the scorn that I was not a woman and that no man can ever find any pleasure in me . It just worsened and every month for some days we would indulge in the same activity according to the… . It is okay I understand said Murthy. I did not want to have a child she cried.

I had not had enough of being a child myself and I was asked to have a child . Then I conceived and I cried at the thought.  Arjun was the same . He had relationships with quite a few women and then stopped being even secretive about it . One day when I came back from the market to buy groceries , I saw him on our bed with a woman. He did not even apologise but just said – I hope this makes you happy and comfortable that I won’t approach you now. Murthy made a face and said – I fear he was not brought up to respect a woman, a wife .

Kabini why didn’t either of you think of separating – a divorce , he asked? I did not have a job or qualifications. I had no confidence and the fear of going back to my dad was even more scary. I did not want to take help from my sister as she had her own family and I would not have been able to bear it, if she said no.

Arjun did approach the topic once or twice and said he was happy to pay alimony too. However he was both in awe of my father and scared of his diplomatic position. But honestly Arjun did not interfere in my private life nor he demand anything. He wanted to be free and no interference in his life and I was happy being on my own . And the child, Murthy asked?  Oh yes , she said he did show some interest in my well being when I conceived . I dreaded childbirth as I did not have any women friends and was worried. On the D day I had to have a c-section. It was a baby boy and seemed fine . However the same night the baby passed away mysteriously as if it knew that he was not wanted by his mother . I cried and cried because I did not know what was happening one after the other. Actually I did not know what I was crying about – about the child dying or that I am a loser in everything.

Arjun blamed it on me saying I did not take care of myself during pregnancy . He thought my food habits were bad. After that our life slipped into the previous routine and we continued to exist under one roof. Did I tell you he was an engineer? Err no said Murthy or I don’t remember . He earned a lot of money and invested well. I don’t have any clue but he told me two weeks before his death that should anything happen to him , I would never have any financial problems.

Chapter 9

Luckily I never had any financial problems. When my father passed away two years back I inherited all his property and money because he disinherited my sister . But I did not agree and with Arjun’s help we gave exact half of everything to her even my mothers jewellery and clothes. My mother had inherited her ‘Taravad’ (ancestral house ) in Wayanad and that property is in our joint name as both of us did not have a heart to sell the last remembrance for our mother. My sister has twins and someday I hope they enjoy it. Have you been there Kabini? No she shook her head . My father was posted out most of the time and after my mother passed away my father never bothered to take us there. I was born there and my sister in Maldives.  I really hope to go to Wayanad once .

The road journey to chandigarh had emptied Kabini inside out and suddenly she felt both sad and light. Now there was someone else in the world who knew all the ugly, fearful things that happened to her . The two days passed quickly and they came back to Delhi. On their way back Kabini gathered courage and said – Murthy after all what I told you will, we still be friends ? Murthy smiled and said Kabini I am not going to judge you. She then asked – do you not long for a woman in your life ?

He looked out of the window and said yes I did and probably do now too. But I believe that I cant spend my life regretting , so I move on. And you never felt the need for – err , to be close to a woman? Yes Kabini of course I did and probably do. It would be lovely to have a companion but haven’t found that person. Please forgive me for asking but knowing my father and Arjun did you never want a physical relationship ? Murthy sighed and said slowly- Yes Kabini, I am as normal as anyone else . However I do not believe in casual relationships.

I had already passed the Indian standard marriageable age when my dad mentioned the need for sex in not so many words. However he also said it is all in the mind . He said anger and sexual desires  should not be let loose or it can create havoc . I may not agree with all what he  said but I listened. Remember unlike you, I have been healthily nurtured by both my parents for years . Apart from the sexual gratification,  I did not miss much of anything earlier but when parents started getting older I started fearing loneliness.

This time Kabini reached out to hold his hand and  said Murthy till I die , I will always be there as your friend . Your sudden entry into my life has changed everything for the better and I am now beginning to overlook things which happened, although it is only a small beginning. They looked at each other happily and the journey became even more pleasant thereafter.

The next week was busy as Kabini had started learning pottery. She would get up early get ready and go with Riyaz for her classes. Slowly she started learning the art . Who would have guessed that she had an inherent talent for pottery. Her mother would have been so proud of her . She remembered that as children Kavi was the intelligent one and she always won awards at school. But kabini didn’t mind as her mother would never make a comparison.

Her pottery teacher taught her exercises for her hands and asked her to try her free hand at working with colours. Kabini went and bought several canvasses of all shapes and sizes , drawing sheets and oil paint as well as ceramic paint . She was loving this and it was a delight to learn something new . Every night she and Murthy chatted and she felt good telling him about her day’s achievements.

After two days she realised she had forgotten to burn her sketches which Murthy had strictly told her to do so. She decided she did not want to look at it again and had not time or inclination to remember it everyday. So she  went up to her terrace and set fire to the entire set. As the flames rose she heaved a sigh of relief . This was her life and she owed it to none other than herself. And she was going to paint her life with beautiful colours .

Feeling at once liberated , she decided that she will now dress up like her mother . Her daily uniform for the past 25 years had been jeans and a kurta . Rarely once in a while when Arjun had some clients , he would expect her to wear a saree or something dressy. Now she had no one to please , no compulsions. She took out one of her mother’s beautiful georgette saree in pink and orange and draped it . A bit overdressed she thought but who cares? She loved her reflection in the mirror and had a sudden desire to go to the Kamakshi temple , to pay her respect to the Devi her mother venerated . Before her class she went to the temple, lighted a small diya and prayed to the divine mother. She was going to do her first independent clay pot today and she was excited. She would do the entire process herself.

Chapter 10

As days and months passed, Kabini and Murthy grew closer and spending a lot of time together . On the other hand her talent for pottery brought her a lot of praise from Murthy as well as her teacher and peers . Murthy arranged for Kabini’s creations to be kept in the common pottery shop which her mother had started . One day Murthy came uninvited and handed her an envelope She opened it and found Rs 2500 in it . She looked at him and he said Kabini- your set of six cups were sold yesterday and I wanted to see your face when you see your first income . Tears rolled down her eyes and she went up to him and hugged him closely , celebrating her small,  yet first success. She had actually earned this money and all because of this Professor . He looked at her and teased her saying – If I run short of money I will know who to come to.

Now , eight  months had passed since Kabini and Murthy had met and . They went for movies, plays , made pottery together and whenever Murthy had to travel outside Kabini would accompany him. One day she was at his home for dinner and they had just finished eating and were enjoying some coffee. Murthy , I want to ask you something? I don’t know what you will think of me and I am also scared if you refuse . Oh come on Kabini , we are friends and we should not have any inhibitions with each other. Well I don’t have much to offer to you and you know all my limitations but do you think we could have a life together? I mean , I mean can we stay together- get married ? There she had said what she was toying around with,  for a month now.

Murthy came and sat close took her hand in his and his eyes softened . Tears rolled down her eyes as she needed no words to know that she had a place in his heart . Kabini, aren’t you proud of how far you have come ? From not wanting a man or marriage,  you are now actually proposing to me- breaking all conventional norms ? She smiled through her tears and said,  I was thinking you would ask but then I lost patience .

Murthy hugged her close to him and a lot of pain and anguish moved out of her .  Kabini there is nothing more I want,  than actually have you with me . How my mother in heaven will rejoice if we actually get married . I probably fell in love with you ages back but had no hope of this outcome. Today I am so proud of you, you have actually inspired me that there are no limitations to oneself . But I don’t want us to get married or be together, at least for now . She looked up at him in pain.

Wait! hear me out Kabini. You are probably the most beautiful woman I have ever seen /known in my life and I am madly in love with you. But I don’t want you to think that you are dependent on any man. Or need a man to live your life ? You have broken off the shackles of your father and husband,  and I want to nurture you as the independent , strong woman that you are. You don’t need a man Kabini. I want you to live with that feeling , make it your strength and believe in it . We will be friends just like we are . You don’t know the sense of loss that I am feeling even while I am saying this.

Once you believe in this feeling and it is engraved in you , please propose to me again?  I will be waiting for that day. And to celebrate our togetherness , our marriage I will take you to Wyanad where your namesake river flows. And to your mothers home . We will get married there with your mothers blessings .

Murthy I can’t believe that somebody  cares for me this much? How will I live now , knowing we are both pining for each other ? You will Kabini  and I am right here , he emphasised  . Give it 6 months at least please ?

When they parted that day emotions were flowing high and there was a sense of belonging to each other . Thereafter  Kabini discarded her Mills & Boon. They had served their purpose and were no longer needed.