The last bit of my work was completed for the day and  tomorrow I could start on something new. It was late at 11 pm and my husband was fast asleep on the bed near me . I left my Laptop open and went to brush my teeth and to prepare for sleep.

Lazily I did all the bedtime chores , brushed, combed my hair, rubbed some cream on my face and finally in bed . As I was closing my laptop, I saw a new mail with the subject – Aunty please come home on ‘7 November’. I stared at the sender address before opening it was from a Tara? I was tired and aching for some sleep and didn’t want to do any thinking at this time. I did not open the mail , but shut my laptop and laid down in bed.

Sleep eluded me and I became curious about the mail addressing me as Aunty ? I wondered who would address me in this way. None of my friends children would write an e-mail to me . They would simply call me up. In fact Phone and whatsap had replaced everything. I picked my phone and went to the other room where I could switch on the light . The mail read as follows:

Aunty you may know me by name but you know our parents (Rajat and Soumya ) better . In fact you know my father very well. You have been fondly remembered in our home for years and we now want to meet you. Our dad does not know we are writing this mail as we wanted to give him a lovely surprise on his 50^th birthday.

My mom Soumya joins me in inviting you and please see her invitation below:

Shailaja we are all at a point of time when we can look back and cherish memories. We have been teasing Rajat about you for years and you are a pleasant memory in our home . The children and me want to give Rajat a priceless gift for his 50^th birthday and what could be better than having you in person with us. I welcome you from my heart – Please come home on November 7^th and if possible come in a saree. You may know why I am asking you to do this but if you don’t , we will remind you when you come over . You are the only guest invited as we know that it will be more than enough to make Rajat happy. Please don’t say no!

Surprised, shocked and overwhelmed with emotions I read the mail again and again. I was being invited home with utmost respect by a woman whose husband had professed his love for me and proposed to me , years back. I couldn’t believe it . Was this some kind of a ploy? Where on earth would this happen?  And Rajat’s daughter was inviting me . Ghosh , Tara was his daughter , the name Rajat was obsessed about and I couldn’t place it in the mail address .

There was a week to go for 7 November . I had forgotten Rajat’s birthday over the years , but remembered him many times over . We hardly spoke on the phone over the years but sometimes enquired about each other and our families on messages.

And now after all these years an invitation from Rajat’s family to be his 50th birthday present ? It was too much for me to think and digest.

The days that followed were completely non-productive and it was all about me. Suddenly from a workaholic I became a daydreamer. I started looking after myself, combing my hair more often, using face packs and wearing pretty dresses. I even brought some lipstick and kept it just in case I wanted to experiment with it. All that was feminine awakened in me and I was happy. I took leave for a week to fall in love with myself and with the thought of being loved.

To be remembered for 25 long years with little or no contact and what would have Rajat told his family that his wife and daughters are inviting me? And to know I am such a precious memory that his family want to surprise him with me as a birthday gift? How wonderful it was to fall in love with your memories even when you know they are only memories. Whatever would Jayan my husband and Manu my son say to my new found womanhood ? Not that I had any intentions of telling them.

Rajat was a fond memory from the past. I had met him at a time when I was reluctant to take a decision and he had instantly decided on me. We had met a couple of times at a friend’s place and a few more times alone. At times he would sound independent and responsible and at other times childish and adventurous. It was a rare combination those days in your mid- twenties when folks at that age would be well decided about their careers.

Arvind a classmate who was notorious for being with girls had introduced me to Rajat and that is where I think my decision to say ‘yes’ to Rajat became prejudiced. After proposing to me Rajat told me about his relationships with two women one of whom was married . Coming from a middle-class family I could not relate well to his confessions or relationships.

Rajat proposed to me, introduced me to his family and told them that they will soon hear wedding bells. My reluctance to clearly say no was taken as a ‘soon to be coming – Yes’. He promised me an adventurous life and his love for a lifetime. I think I did fall for his charm, humility and love for life. Why did we part then? I was not sure then and I am not sure now.

No doubt Rajat was the most romantic man, I had met that time, actually to date in my whole life. He was wedded to his motorbike and said that marriage means, spending life with him on the vehicle. He was less sure about his career than he was of his life on the motorbike.

A wanderer at heart he promised to take me to far away, little known places. He would weave stories of how we would sleep under the sky in Ladakh and make love on lonely beaches of the Andamans. At times when his hand would go over my shoulders or reach out to hold mine, I would shrug away, and he would say- No hurry ! Once I remember him saying with a wink- many times a slow kiss helps you to make up your mind.

Shelly do you realize that plant will die if you stare at it , for even two more minutes? The trance was broken, and I turned from the window to look at Jayan, the man I had married. I like you better this way, slow and relaxed. You should take leave more often. I nodded a yes and wondered if he would like me more relaxed if I was ruminating and celebrating a love /romance of yesteryear’s?

I became more determined about my response to Soumya and Tara.

Chapter 3

The past became the present for me . Every problem in life seemed trivial and I lived for the coming Saturday – 7 November . I had written to Tara a very short response saying I would be there if they were sure that is what thy want? Tara in childish frenzy wrote back only 3 words – yes, yes and yes .
I lived each day spent with Rajat again and again just like you would revisit a precious photograph numerous times . I remember a couple of years back he had met a colleague of mine on a flight and knowing that she works with me he asked her about my well-being . Surprised my colleague Anjali asked him – how do you know her?

His response was something which a girl/woman would trade anything for . He said Oh! I was so much in love with her that I could climb a rooftop and shout that . How did she look at that time , Anjali probed and she later related it to me expressively saying his eyes lighted up and he said -so lovely, young , fresh, innocent and so becoming.

They talked throughout the flight and he told her how he had made plans to take me to Mustang on his bike for our honeymoon. Mustang is an ancient forbidden kingdom, bordered by the Tibetan Plateau and sheltered by some of world’s tallest peaks, including Annapurna and Dhaulagiri.

Anjali when back in office related the whole incident to me and other colleagues while we were having lunch . I pretended to be embarrassed and shocked but my heart was singing with joy . And , I thought I was long forgotten while this man was carrying me in his heart like any man would carry their precious newborn daughter for the first time .

I quickly got over the chores to daydream for some more time, and then was going shopping with my friend Lilian and you know what ? I was going to buy a Maharashtrian Khun Saree the ones with pretty borders . Soumya (Rajat’s wife ) asking me to wear a saree would have come from nowhere else but from Rajat . Remember I said earlier he could sometimes come across as childish and adventurous sometimes – so he had not changed . What all he must have blurted out to her and how did she react to all that ?

In the days that I knew him ,Rajat had pleaded with me so many times to wear a saree as he thought that was one attire which brought out a women’s sensuality. He said he loved orange on women especially on me as it matched my temper. I was careful never to wear orange or a saree and now I regret. But this time it was going to be an orange saree. Excitement ran through me when I imagined how it would feel to be admired by his eyes , plunge into his arms , swayed by our passion and be one with him?

Jayan and Manu would be shocked if they read my thoughts ,actually even looking at my flowering self . But who cares! At least not today. Go back fears , worries , inhibitions , false modesty, come back some other day. Today I want to experience in full what I let go off , so easily years back.

Chapter 4

Is your boss never coming back Mom? Manu asked and I smiled . No he cant cause I buried him in our backyard. Hmm he said with a smile. No wonder, in your excitement you have lost your memory . Since the last 3 days I am wearing dad’s underwear, kept neatly folded in my drawer and then removing it realizing it is not mine . I think many times dad may not be realizing and wearing mine too. Don’t be Stupid ! I said and we both laughed and then I asked swirling around, how do I look ?

Indulgently he replied you look prettier than dad’s secretary and laughed . By the way I can drop you and Aunty Lilian to the market ? What are you going to buy ? Nothing I said and turned around brushing past him.

Lilian came at half past 3 and looked at me in surprise and said you look at least 10 years younger and that too without makeup? Listen she continued , dig out all your old flames and you wont kick the bucket for long . By the way step down to earth and remember they are not inviting you to get you both married or jump into each others arms .

I am sure they think , she continued – you are mature enough to understand that they are just bringing together two people who cared for each other at some point of time . That’s it ! And I think I should accompany you. Just in case you decide to offer yourself to him completely oblivious of his wife and daughter I can at least hold you back. Don’t be silly I said and Lillian responded – Hmm I am not sure I trust all that excitement in you.

We brought a lovely flaming orange Maharashtrian Khun saree with a green border and Lilian offered her blouse to go with it . I never wore sarees so had no blouses of my own We were the same size except that she experimented a lot with blouses and I would have preferred more conventional styles . The necks both in front and back had the centre of gravity pulling them down and each time it would venture further below than the previous.

We stopped for coffee and I started daydreaming again. Lilian said in a quiet tone – come down to earth Shailaja ! Lilian not today please , I promptly replied , after a long time I hold the reigns of my Life . And I will call the shots for a few days.

What will you tell Jayan and Manu when you go out on Saturday she probed ? You never go out on weekends alone . Exactly what we used to say in our college days – and this time I will say I am going out with you , I said beaming . Fine she said then you pay for the coffee and make sure you pack 3 chocolate eclairs for me . I might as well earn some money this way . Idiot ! I exclaimed and smiled at her. She was a treasure.

That week there was no Friday or even if there was I did not know about it . I landed straight on to Saturday – 7 November.

Chapter 5

I was wide awake at 5am on Saturday- 7 November. Jayan, I nudged my husband , today I am going out for Lunch with Lilian . What ? hmm, tell me later he said and turned away to sleep again. Suddenly he turned back towards me opened his eyes and said . But today is Saturday and we have our lazy day. Monday you will start work again. Go some other day he said and slept again.

I put in all efforts to say my daily morning prayers but just could not focus , so made myself a cup of tea. Lilian’s parting words on Thursday were hammering in my head . She had warned me saying we women can turn bitchy when our men are obsessed with another woman. What if Soumiya and her girl have something nasty planned for you ? Will you be able to handle it emotionally , while all decked up for your Rajat? You are playing with fire . Be content with this Jayan guy as he is safe and dedicated to you – Oh well as much as we know she added?

I wondered if I am cheating Jayan? Well I am just choosing to be in a situation which makes me happy and it is not that I am going out with another man. What if Manu comes to know ? Well I am his mother and not answerable to him, I told myself.

I quickly made some Upma for Jayan and Manu as breakfast, the easiest thing to make and both loved it . By 11 :30 I was ready, wearing my lovely flaming orange saree and Lilian’s blouse . I brushed my short hair to frame my face and tried on the new lipstick that I bought but could not carry it off so wiped it off. Oh Jesus , Shell you look lovely exclaimed Jayan taking off his specs and walking into the room . Admiring me from top to bottom he said Saree ? For whom ? Not for lunch with Lillian?

Hey he continued , I have pleaded with you so many times but you never ever wore one for me ? Mom you look great , said Manu as he came in – actually pretty. Lilian Aunty should teach you how to do some make up and he walked away. I thought the less I responded the less I would give away so kept smiling now and then.

Irritated Jayan intervened , where exactly are you going ? I told you Jayan not looking into his eyes and I am just trying out a saree, before I buy a couple of them. He caught my shoulders from behind and turned me round to face him. He winked at me and said , Shell all these years in my youth I have been waiting for you to wear a saree and dreaming how I will take it off ? He added in mock sadness holding his heart , now as I am aging you give me these surprises which my heart cant take.

I wondered if he is really suspicious and would follow me? Na not Jayan, I thought ! I guess the Saree was giving me away.

Chapter 6

Lilian arrived sharp at 12 looking pretty in a black dress . Well it doesn’t look you are going to the same place , said Jayan . Lilian you are dressed casually and my wife as I have never seen her before. Oh come on Jayan, Lilian addressed him impatiently, Shell, has been telling me over the years that you would really like her to wear sarees so we wanted to give you a surprise . I am teaching her to be comfortable in it.

Hmm ok so it is a pizza lunch for us while you ladies go to some fancy place , he said disappointed ? Can I come ,he persisted ? Next time said Lilian pulling my hand. I was embarrassed, scared and worried. It was an half an hour drive and Lilian was tense. She handed me a small gift wrapped in silver paper saying it was a gift for Rajat . You cant go without one . Oh thank you sweetheart, I had completely forgotten . It is a small replica of a Harley Davidson bike since your Rajat guy is obsessed with the machine.

And then to my horror she added Arjun (Lillian’s husband ) had got it for himself from the Amsterdam airport . It was lying packed so I nicked it, she said smilingly. What if he finds out ? Oh I will tell him he is too old for a bike , don’t worry. I think Rajat is an Enfield fan, I blurted without thinking much. Oh really! tell me the model and I will order one miniature of the same said Lilian angrily. Sorry, I was just thinking aloud and I am really grateful that you thought about it .

Soon we reached Soumiya’s place, and fear gripped me . Lillian turned towards me when the car stopped – Listen carefully if anything other than normal happens give me a call. I will be hovering in the mall nearby. And just walk out . I will find you . Don’t stay there. If not I will wait for you to call me. And for God’s sake don’t lose your temper . It can just make things worse.

So this was Rajat’s home , I said to myself as I went to the door and rang the bell. The door opened and Lillian drove away.

Soumiya opened the door , looked at me with a warm smile which reached her eyes . Shailaja ! she exclaimed , come on in , thanks so much for coming . I realize it must be very uncomfortable for you, she continued ? Without giving me time to respond she held me by my arm led me to the living room saying sit ,sit down – Tara ! she called out loudly.

As we were waiting for Tara I looked at Soumiya . She had a lovely flawless complexion with no make up, not even a pair of earrings. Her grey locks were tied neatly into a pony tail. I didn’t want to admit but probably she was prettier than me and it made me uncomfortable. I had seen pictures of Rajat’s family in face book but it did not do justice to this women and the girl who came in.

Chapter 7

Tara was a beautiful girl and she looked a lovely combination of her parents. She came running down the steps in a pair of shorts and open hair till her shoulders and threw herself at me loudly exclaiming – Aunty! She hugged me warmly and I was stunned . What was going on ? I wasn’t expecting this emotional response.

Soumiya then said -be comfortable Shailaja , Rajat is not here . We have sent him out for an errand and he will be back in the next 20 minutes. Suddenly a message came on my phone and it was Lillian- All ok ? Should I come ? Yes Ok, I typed back in response .

Shailaja you must be thinking we are all mad. If you know Rajat he has been very open about you to me and to some extent with our children. Tara interrupted wait, wait Mom let me tell her .

Aunty , Tare began in excitement – Dad often said Shailaja should have worn a saree for me at least once and she chuckled loudly. And Aunty when we play the old Hindi romantic songs he smiles and we tease him about you. To that, I could not help but look at Soumiya . She understood my dilemma and said in a calm earnest voice . He has told me how much he loved you and he was heartbroken when you left him. Ghosh I couldn’t handle this . Rajat’s wife making a case for him to me , the other woman in his life of yesteryear’s ?

What was happening now broke all conventional thoughts and Soumiya could make out my confusion. Tara go and make Aunty something to drink while I chat with her . But Mom we need to wrap her as the gift , her eyes twinkled. Done be silly Tara her being here itself, is enough. She is not a thing to be packed . And don’t talk about her without addressing her, she chided.

Tara walked away murmuring , I was just making it a complete surprise . Soumiya then came close and took my hands in hers saying I am sorry we are using you to make Rajat happy. We should have considered your feelings. I was speechless hearing all about me , but luckily Soumiya wanted to do all the talking.

It is 25 years since we have been married and he still gives an embarrassed look when we tease him about you. Tara is old enough and she keeps asking him about you and he has blurted out to her about your aversion to sarees and make up and that you love hindi romantic songs .Soumiya I said in a small voice gathering courage – all this , doesn’t this offend you? make you unhappy and please don’t feel compelled to answer.

She laughed and said there is a part of Rajat which is entirely mine and when he remembers you he doesn’t throw away that part . He revels in your memory but he has never tried to bring you back into our lives and neither have you. So I respect and admire both of you for that.

Chapter 8
What do you do Soumiya? I asked changing the topic. Just then things started happening all at once . Tara brought me glass of lemonade and the front door bell rang loudly. Hush! Aunty please come and hide in the kitchen. No Tara ! chided Soumiya , pls treat her with dignity. Let her sit in the guest bedroom and you go and put the cake on the table. We won’t be able to hold this for long.

I was hustled into the guest room and my heart started pounding loudly. This kind of excitement hadn’t happened in a long time.The door to the guest room was open and I heard the front door opening . Presumably, I heard Rajat come in complaining. You ladies sit inside comfortably while I have to go in this sticky weather to buy groceries and that too on my Birthday, when I am an old man .

This old man needs a beer to celebrate his 50th. Tara was giggling /chuckling uncontrollably, and I heard Soumiya saying to her go and get plates and a glass for papa for his beer. Tara ran and some activity started there.

I waited for my signal and then I could hear the loud and clear Birthday song ——Happy Birthday to you…………… I swallowed a breath and slowly came out to the sitting room. All 3 heads turned from the cake on the table to me and Rajat kept staring at me with a look of disbelief , open mouthed. What, who .how come, he fumbled for words as he looked at Soumiya and then me and slowly walked up to me .

I was shocked excited and speechless. Facing me he looked back to ask Soumiya – can I , do you mind ? She knew what he meant and replied- ask her, not me silly!

His eyes were mistycloudy and he said in a choked voice – Shaila! holding out his arms . I walked into his arms as if it was the most natural thing to do. Nobody called me Shaila except Rajat and at that moment I realized how much I missed that voice calling me in the endearing way !

He was still hugging me when suddenly I saw a flash. Tara clicked a picture and Soumiya came down heavily on her . Please delete it immediately. They are meeting after almost 25 years so please don’t embarrass them . Stop giggling and let them get settled . It is a special moment for them and for us too as he seems to love his birthday present – she said smilingly.

What a woman! Soumiya had won my heart for a lifetime. Rajat hugged me , held me at an arms distance and hugged me again. Come he said finally sit down and led me to the sofa.

Chapter 9

I sat down on the sofa in front of Rajat a little embarrassed as he kept on looking at me , shaking his head , smiling and looking at Soumiya . An uncomfortable silence followed for some time. Finally Soumiya came and sat next to him and then Tara also stood up from the dining table and perched herself on Rajat’s lap. Sitting together they made a family and reality struck me – I was an outsider , a guest. Tara typical of her age and the desire to please her dad kept poking him with her elbows smiling and teasing him. Dad the saree was my idea and he smiled embarrassed.

Soumiya asked me about my family and after a short while she excused herself for laying out lunch and took Tara with her. You have a nice family I said, and Tara is very beautiful. Without thinking for a second, he came and sat close to me saying with a smile – Even ours would have been beautiful. Tara is also a North- South product just like ours would have been he said winking at me .

This time it was my time to stare shocked , open mouthed- Rajat are you mad, this is so embarrassing. He pretended not to hear and continued , Shaila , I knew you would look lovely in a saree and I think you intentionally wore my favorite orange colour . I looked at him and then got up to go the kitchen. This old man was blazing mad , even though I loved his charm and flirtatious ways . But there was no way I was going to encourage this rogue. Listen I said, I better go and help Soumiya .

Done be silly he called out behind me , she has left us to talk. I got up and went to the safer place – the kitchen. Aunty, Tara tapped me on the shoulder, from behind asking – Was dad handsome when he met you and how did he propose to you? Tara! Please leave her alone. It is all fun for you but these are personal matters which are not to be discussed anywhere and everywhere . Sorry Shailaja we didn’t plan this very well. I should have chatted with Tara before you came . She is in her teens and is full of romance and all these things are really exciting for her .

It is ok I said and smiled. Who would mind what this lovely adorable teenager says. She had a contagious enthusiasm about everything and was oblivious of all complexities we adults were battling with.

Chapter 10
I took out my phone saying I ws going to call my friend Lilian, to pick me in an hour. Na! said Soumiya , touching my hand and saying please stay till dinner . We have the day dedicated to celebrate . We may not find another occasion. Dad will drop you on the bike after dinner , Tara broke in. Before I could open my mouth to say a definite no to that Soumiya said , we will all come and drop you after dinner. Aunty, dad doesn’t drive the car. He thinks it is a constricting box but Mom drives it.

No No I protested , Jayan will be waiting for me as he is at home today. Aunty please stay, we wont trouble you at all and dad and mom will sing for us too. Wow I said looking at Soumiya . I knew Rajat sings well but I didn’t know that you sing too. I was tempted as I was liking their company and I only had to be careful about Rajat’s reckless comments. At not cost I wanted to hurt Soumiya .

I texted Lilian and said I will stay and that I would be dropped. She immediately called and I went outside the kitchen to explain. I told her I will call up Jayan and tell him that I had met a friend and am at her place till dinner .

Jayan was perplexed, confused and irritated for the first time. But you don’t do this Shell. What am I supposed to do with Manu the full day ? Saturday is our day. I know Jayan, I said calmly, just today , I will come and explain , although I did not know what I would tell him.

During lunch I told Rajat and Soumiya about Jayan and Manu, their work and interests etc. Twice Soumiya got up to attend to a call and then she came back and said – Shailaja I need to go out for an hour or a little longer as I have an aunt in the hospital and they are calling me for an update. Oh please ! I can come too . No, No please stay, I will take Tara with me otherwise she will not let you both chat .

Let Tara stay here and I will take you , Rajat said getting up and we can try and come back soon . No! I insist Rajat , we have invited Shailaja and this wasn’t planned . I am taking Tara as she will not let you both talk. Soumiya then took the reluctant Tara and went off .

The coast is clear anounced Rajat laughingly and then asked if I would like a beer? No I don’t like beer or any alchohol and stop talking as if there is not time gap between our past and present . I would hate to hurt Soumiya’s feelings in any way.

And what about mine ? He asked like a child . You didn’t even explain why you dumped me ? I am a reasonable man Shaila , I loved you and would have looked after you . Tell me what is lacking in me ? Ghosh I couldn’t handle this ! Please think about Soumiya, I pleaded. What is the purpose of this conversation now?

Soumiya is my anchor and I would not hurt her in any way. And my life is an open book. Even my daughters know how I felt or feel about you. I quickly changed the topic to say let me give you the small gift, I bought for you . I rummaged through my over sized bag to pick out the package. He opened it and his eyes lighted. Sorry I said I didn’t get an Enfield . Oh! don’t worry I ride the real one and this will sit on my shelf . Thank you and now tell me Shaila , what did I do wrong. You left me broken.

It looked very childish to tell him now what had scared me about him or maybe what I couldn’t relate so easily to. It looked as if he would not rest without an answer and there was an hour to go before Soumiya would be back.

Chapter 11

Rajat I began, please understand that I was very young at that time and I could not relate very well to some of the things that you said. Like what he asked? Well for example when you said you had a relationship with a married woman and …… Before I could find the words, he snapped. So, I was punished for being honest?  God, Shaila people do have relationships, it is normal, and it was with mutual consent although now I don’t even remember who it was. I wasn’t going to continue such jaunts after marriage- believe me! And why didn’t you say so at that time?

Well you made some explicit references to intimacy between you and the woman and I found that distasteful or maybe scary. Oh God! Shaila I am sorry maybe I forgot, I was talking to a girl/lady or woman or whatever you were at the time. We were close and I agree it is possible that sometimes I do talk like that. And I should have known better about how little experience you had. But I cared for you. You should have told me to shut up and I thought you too liked me. For God’s sake why did you not open your mouth?

This beer won’t do for me and he got up exasperated, to bring in a bottle of whiskey and poured himself a drink. I watched him in desperation as I did not know how to handle this. I deliberated whether to call up Lilian but Rajat was in no mood to let go of me. Stop looking as if I am going to pounce on you. I won’t!

Shailaja people experiment with different things in the privacy of their bedrooms and now you too are a married woman , so you should know that. I only said what I did. We could have put an end to that matter. Is there anything else that you did not like in me? For years I have been trying to figure out where did I go wrong? And you never even gave me a chance to clarify or explain and Soumiya knows how much this killed me.

Chapter 12

I am sorry Rajat. Now I do realise that I should have talked it out with you, but I did not know how to broach the topic?  Do you love me Shaila? Or rather did you love me/care for me then? His voice was so imploring that I wanted to hug him and say yes, yes, yes. But the situation was a complex one and with three pegs down I was not sure, I could handle Rajat or even myself for that matter .

It is the past, I began slowly. To my discomfort, Rajat came close to sit next to me and said – the present is built on the past. I have had relationships before you and after you, but you are the only one I treated with the highest degree of love, respect and tenderness. I did not even touch you without your consent. Do you know what that means to a man? I don’t know how you damn woman think?  But we need physical expressions of love. Words are not enough for us .

The God’s had mercy on me because just then Soumiya and Tara walked in. Dad, we have some good news, Mom’s aunt doesn’t need a surgery. Soumiya could sense that the situation was tense . She came to me and said sorry Shailaja I am the only living relative for my Aunt, so I had to go. Rajat, she addressed him straight, are you okay? Do you want to rest for some time while I chat with Shailaja and making our pizza dinner? No, I will go for a ride and be back. Rajat – not when you have had drinks she said sternly.

Oh, this was so uncomfortable. But Soumiya was a saviour. Rajat got up went and changed to track pants and a T shirt and announced to all of us that he is going for a walk and will be back in an hour. Tara asked if she could join and he said curtly no not today please!

Chapter 13

When he left Soumiya said , Tara please leave us for some time as I would like to chat with Shailaja Aunty, on my own. You can help me by cutting the vegetables and cottage cheese that I have kept in the kitchen . And for a change you can put on the music loudly just the way you prefer. Tara agreed happily. Soumiya made some tea and hustled me to their bedroom.

It was a cosy room with lots of cushions and pictures of the family. Soumiya picked up a family picture near the bed and said pointing to a younger girl than Tara. Our daughter Tanya, she is in Krishnamurthy school in Andhra Pradesh. She could not come for Rajat’s landmark birthday. Tanya looked timid and did not resemble either of her parents.

Sit and be comfortable Shailaja and I am not going to ask you about your chat with Rajat. It is between you and him but I want to share something else with you. There was no way I could have imagined what she was going to say. I was beginning to like this lady even though a part of me resented her being close to Rajat.

I sat back relaxed and Soumiya began. I am a nutritionist and I met Rajat first in a hospital in Delhi where he was admitted. I think you both had broken off and he was in a mess. He had a bad bike accident and his right leg was badly injured. If you know Rajat he is an incorrigible flirt and now over the years I think he tries to hide himself with this behaviour.  We got chatting whenever I went to check on his diet . He was and is overweight so I was counselling him to lose weight too. His stay in hospital was for almost a month and so we talked a lot and he never missed an opportunity to flirt.

What he didn’t know was that I was having a relationship with an intern doctor in the hospital at that time. Just before Rajat was to be discharged, I discovered I was expecting and the man I loved left me unceremoniously. He simply left the hospital without telling me when he got to know that I was expecting. Having no one to talk to, I blurted out everything to Rajat. He was very empathetic and offered to talk to the man in question. But I was sure I didn’t want a man who needs to be coaxed into taking responsibility. I was devastated and took a break for two days. Rajat was discharged from the hospital while I was away.

Chapter 14

A week after that Rajat came over to the hospital and asked for me. To cut the long story short Rajat proposed saying that he will try his best to take care of me. I accepted and we were married in a simple ceremony in the temple. I was intrigued and wondered whether he had fallen for Soumiya or was it just out of sheer empathy. Knowing Rajat both could be possible . Or maybe on the rebound that I had left him? Did I mean so much to him?

And the baby? I asked. She went silent for some time and then said – She is Tara! My expression was of complete shock. After a small silence I protested – but she looks like Rajat and her mannerisms all resemble Rajat . In fact she is all of him and not much of you either . To that Soumiya smiled. True, she carried on and I truly believe it is either a miracle or the grace of God. Rajat took care of me and my unborn child as if she was his own. Not for a moment he made me feel that he is picking up the threads left by someone else.

And Tanya I asked? She is ours , mine and Rajat’s but very unlike him. Of course, he loves her, but Tara is the love of his life. He made me promise that I will never reveal this to anyone and never to Tara or Tanya either. Tara too is extremely attached to him and they both gang up against me.

Soumiya carried on , I am telling you this because whatever I have heard about you, I feel you both cared a lot for each other . And I want you to know what a wonderful man Rajat is. There was silence for a long time. For years he used to tell me that he didn’t know why you left him. He showed me one of your pictures and a letter. To me it looked like you too loved him. But I am not asking you anything. It is between you and him.

At dinner Rajat was more composed than earlier and then just before dinner he said – Shaila, Soumiya and I want to thank you for a lovely day and we would like to sing a song for you. They sang the song with Tara on Rajat’s lap and with her arms wrapped around him. The song left me in tears and Soumiya and Rajat too were choked with emotions. The words of the song was profound and so apt for that moment.

Chapter 15

The beautiful Hindi song is from the movie “Aandhi” (Storm) and the lyrics and translation are as follows:

The song in Hindi begins as follows

“Tere bina zindagi se koyi, shikwa, toh nahi
Tere bina zindagi bhi lekin, zindagi, toh nahi

The translation of the full song in English is as follows :

I have no grouse against a life without you
But a life without you is hardly a life

Wish we could tread our journey with your steps
Pick our destinations afresh and walk someplace else, far far away
When you walk along with me
There’s no dearth of places to be
And though I have no grouse against a life without you…

All I wish to do is seek refuge in your aanchal(edge of a saree)
And keep crying; keep crying
Aren’t those tears too that I detect in the moistness of your eyes –
A life without your is hardly any life

If you say so the moon will not set tonight
Say it – Stop this night
It’s just the matter of the night, there inst much left in life without your
I have no grouse against a life without you
But a life without you is hardly any life.

Both of them sang beautifully and completely synchronised . When the song ended Soumiya came and hugged me tightly and said I hope you enjoyed the evening. All 3 of us will feel very bad if we know that we have hurt you in anyway.

They came to drop me home. Soumiya drove and Rajat sat next to her . Tara sat with me at the back taking nineteen to the dozen. While we were parting Soumiya said – I am very glad to have met someone who meant a lot to Rajat and I must say now I can understand why he fell for you. Rajat hugged me warmly and said thank you for coming. His eyes were talking to me and I could see the hurt in it. Tara gave a warm hug and said please come again Aunty. I smiled and said to them- thank you ! I am so glad I came. I wasnt going to forget this day nor this family. I came in remembering my love/fondness for Rajat and now I carried Soumiya and their daughter Tara in my heart too. So much love they had for each other and more than that a good deal of trust .

Chapter 16

It was already 10 pm when Jayan opened the door and went away without saying a single word. Manu had retired to his room and Jayan quietly went into our bedroom. I am sorry Jayan, I met a friend from my college days and she and her family insisted that I should go home with them. So, you should have called me too, he asked? Sorry it did not occur to me. I changed and joined him in bed.

The day’s events were playing like a drama again and again in my mind, but the star of the day was Soumiya. I couldn’t believer her confidence in herself and her man. How much she must be loving Rajat to invite me , knowing that although Rajat would love it but it could also invite difficult times and emotions for herself ? Could I be like Soumiya? Can I love anyone as deeply as she loved Rajat?

I decided to deepen my love, trust and strengthen my relationship with Jayan. I wanted to give what I got or rather learnt today. He too loved me and was so understanding and non-complaining . Jayan ! Hmm he said, did you enjoy yourself ? I turned my back towards him and said yes and continued – Jayan did you love any woman before me , whom you really miss or remember? I mean would you like to meet her if she was someone special? Meet or … he said menacingly? 

I ignored his jest and continued – Well if you really miss someone and would like to meet her, we should do that before it is too late in life. He suddenly got up turned me to himself and said. Shell, he said wickedly , I miss Sushmita your colleague and the young Diana our neighbour. Yes I would like to meet them all alone . And melodramatically he said why didn’t you make these prize offers earlier in life when I had more steam in me? Stop it Jayan , I was irritated and turned my back to him.  I am asking you about love not sex.

He hugged me, chuckled loudly and teasingly asked , What is the difference ?

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